Celibacy in a Time of War
Earlier this evening I saw the following post on my time line. I read it, afraid of what it might contain. Honestly, this is an amazing article and I think every Christian parent or person who may be entering the age to date should read. Heck, I think it would be awesome to share this with your kids when you give them "the talk"! Here's the link:
Anyway, I wanted to throw in some of my own thoughts.
Over the last few months I've been considering what it means to be 'too conservative" and what it actually means to be a good Christian without being legalistic/following "biblical" rules that actually have no basis in scripture.
I find myself in a culture ever veering towards liberal "Christianity" which is much more of Moralistic deism where all you have to do is "love Jesus" and totally ignore John 14:15-31. I could go into a whole other blog post on that, but this post is about the opposite side of the coin.
Courting is just one example of many cultural norms that has taken over the conservative Christian worldview. Complete abstinence from alcohol, insistence on only Christian colleges and universities after high school, ultra-modesty (as I talked about in my last blog post), disallowing dancing of any kind, etc. etc. etc.
Now don't get me wrong, most of these things in-and-of themselves are not bad things. As you'll see in the article I linked at the beginning of this post, most of these things can have some negative side-effects, which I'll detail more in a minute. But the real problem with these things is treating them like they are scriptural, or even going so far as teaching them to our kids or really believing them to be. Each and every one of these things is actually cultural. If we act like these things are biblical commands, and then they fail for us what does that say to not only unbelievers, but to younger believers? Also, I don't think God is particularly pleased when we take His name in vain.
When I say "take His name in vain" I don't mean things like saying, "Oh my God". I mean saying something and crediting it to God when He actually hasn't ever said anything of the sort. Kind of like that old facebook status, "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they're genuine"-Abraham Lincoln.
Except I think God is a little more upset when we misquote Him... or rather put words in His mouth.
Now, as I said, none of those things are actually bad. Courting, if done in a specific manner that I would still consider closer to dating can be a great choice (though I think it would behoove people to let their kids make that choice for themselves rather than forcing it upon them) and it really depends on where you're at and what your kids personalities are, etc.
But honestly, courting seems like a really bad idea to me from start to finish. That article really took the words out of my mouth. If I had chosen courting I would have never met my fiance. I may have married the first guy I went out with and that would have been a terrible life or we would have called it off and it would have been even more painful then it already was. If I had chosen courting I wouldn't have come to know what I wanted in a husband nor come to know who I am as a person or who God is as my comforter and healer and joy. And you might say, "ok, dating worked for you, but that doesn't mean courting is bad for everyone"... go back and read that article, and consider that all of the things I've just said can be true for anyone.
If I had courted I would marry a man I only knew in social settings. Ryan is a totally different person when we go out then when we stay in... and that's normal, so am I.
It's so easy to get caught up in our "social" persona. Or to become who we think the other person or the people around us want us to be when we're constantly in social settings. It is because of the alone time spent together AND the time spent with different groups and friends that I know who Ryan really is.
The first guy I dated parents' wanted us to be in a courtship kind of relationship. They would have preferred there be no physical contact at all (no hand holding, no hugging, no perfectly innocent dancing). We had a friend that we dragged with us everywhere as our "chaperon". We spent pretty much every day with his friends, hardly ever even alone in the car together and never even at restaurants or other places where there are other people around (which I would still count as alone time). I can only remember three occasions when we were actually alone and they were for very short periods of time.
Because of this I only got very small glimpses of his actual personality. It wasn't until several months after breaking up that I was able to take those small glimpses and put them together into a very upsetting realization of what kind of person he actually was and how he was actually treating me. If we had spent more alone time together (even in settings like I did at college where there's still plenty of people around and you're never ACTUALLY alone) I would have been able to see those things so much earlier and we would have broken up much sooner and it would have been much less difficult.
I got kind of side tracked, but the point of this is the question: when is conservative TOO conservative? of course that's a question that can only be answered by each individual. The problem comes when people force their unbiblical standards on other people (up to and including their kids once they become old enough to make those kinds of decisions on their own) or allow themselves to feel guilt when they break their own rules.
It's very easy for me to think, "Oh, they must not be a real Christian because they do that." Whether what they are doing is actual sin or not that is a very stupid thought for me to have. I'm sure there are things that I do (both actual sins and legalistic thoughts that others have about me) that would have people thinking the same thing. We all fall short of the Glory of God, and we all have different standards that we hold ourselves to in various areas of our lives. Hold each other accountable for sins, but avoid legalism at all costs.
If I had courted I would marry a man I only knew in social settings. Ryan is a totally different person when we go out then when we stay in... and that's normal, so am I.
It's so easy to get caught up in our "social" persona. Or to become who we think the other person or the people around us want us to be when we're constantly in social settings. It is because of the alone time spent together AND the time spent with different groups and friends that I know who Ryan really is.
The first guy I dated parents' wanted us to be in a courtship kind of relationship. They would have preferred there be no physical contact at all (no hand holding, no hugging, no perfectly innocent dancing). We had a friend that we dragged with us everywhere as our "chaperon". We spent pretty much every day with his friends, hardly ever even alone in the car together and never even at restaurants or other places where there are other people around (which I would still count as alone time). I can only remember three occasions when we were actually alone and they were for very short periods of time.
Because of this I only got very small glimpses of his actual personality. It wasn't until several months after breaking up that I was able to take those small glimpses and put them together into a very upsetting realization of what kind of person he actually was and how he was actually treating me. If we had spent more alone time together (even in settings like I did at college where there's still plenty of people around and you're never ACTUALLY alone) I would have been able to see those things so much earlier and we would have broken up much sooner and it would have been much less difficult.
I got kind of side tracked, but the point of this is the question: when is conservative TOO conservative? of course that's a question that can only be answered by each individual. The problem comes when people force their unbiblical standards on other people (up to and including their kids once they become old enough to make those kinds of decisions on their own) or allow themselves to feel guilt when they break their own rules.
It's very easy for me to think, "Oh, they must not be a real Christian because they do that." Whether what they are doing is actual sin or not that is a very stupid thought for me to have. I'm sure there are things that I do (both actual sins and legalistic thoughts that others have about me) that would have people thinking the same thing. We all fall short of the Glory of God, and we all have different standards that we hold ourselves to in various areas of our lives. Hold each other accountable for sins, but avoid legalism at all costs.
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