Here I am to Step on Your Toes
Get ready to have your toes stepped on! Also, apologies in advance for how long this post is.
Ok, so over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about something that happened with someone I know, and I've been trying to wrap my head around what I want to say. I've talked to Ryan about it and he agrees with my assessment of the situation. I'm partly writing this to get it out of my system, and partly because I think it's something that needs to change in Christian culture.
As I said, I'm gonna step on some toes here, and I need you to know that if you don't agree, that's fine, but that the whole point is that this is what the Bible says about this topic and what I'm going to adhere to.
Ok so for the real stuff:
What is modesty?
Here's a few definitions I've come across in my life:
"Girls need to cover up their breasts and legs so guys won't stumble"
"Girls need to wear things that don't show the curves of their body so guys don't stumble"
"Girls need to wear baggy clothing so guys don't stumble"
"Girls need to wear baggy clothing that covers everything but their hands and face so guys don't stumble"
What is modesty?
Here's a few definitions I've come across in my life:
"Girls need to cover up their breasts and legs so guys won't stumble"
"Girls need to wear things that don't show the curves of their body so guys don't stumble"
"Girls need to wear baggy clothing so guys don't stumble"
"Girls need to wear baggy clothing that covers everything but their hands and face so guys don't stumble"
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that guys don't struggle with visual lust, or that women completely understand the struggle, thus why I have always encouraged my boyfriends to be very open with me when I might wear something that makes them uncomfortable.
You know what I've noticed? And Ryan has confirmed this for me: different guys have different limits.
In all honesty, if I had to dress in a way that would cause no man on earth to struggle I would have to disappear entirely.
Some of this "stumbling" truly is cultural. The first guy I dated had been homeschooled and sheltered his whole life and I really had to be extremely conscious of what I wore with him. Ryan went to public school and kstate and very few things I actually own bother him at all. In Muslim countries men lust after women in full burkahs.
So, what then does modesty actually mean?
According to scripture modesty is about not adorning yourself with things that draw attention to you. It actually has little to nothing to do with covering up. Of course, it does in the sense that I shouldn't wear shirts that are low cut and drawing attention to me, or shorts where my butt is hanging out and drawing attention to me, etc. In some sense there's some personal comfort that goes into what modesty means. Scriptural modesty means humility in character and in dress. (1 Tim 2:-10, 1 Peter 3:3-4, Proverbs 11:22. All of these verse juxtapose outward adornment with inward humility and meekness, showing modesty to be about the heart far more than about outward adornment).
But, Kate! What about "do not cause your brother to stumble!?"
Ah yes, another verse taken from context (Romans 14:13)! That verse is talking about the weaker stronger brother. It applies in (hypothetical) situations like this: I have a friend who if they have one drink they're going to end up drinking enough to get drunk (Romans 14:15). I, however, know that I can go out and have one or two drinks and go home and have no problem. I also have a friend who thinks drinking is wrong (Romans 14:14). Am I going to talk friend 1 or friend 2 with me if I go out? Probably not, and if I do I'm going to find an activity that isn't going to cause a problem, but I'm also going to encourage friend 1 to get help and show friend 2 the many scriptures that show drinking in and of itself is not sinful.
How does that relate to modesty?
Well, it means that when I'm in a situation where I know something I wear is going to cause someone some distress I'm probably going to be conscious of the people around me... To an extent. In my earlier example if I go out to eat with my friends I might get myself a drink because I can handle it and I don't believe it to be wrong (Romans 14: 16). In the same way modesty doesn't mean having to always dress exactly how the people around me dress just to make sure they're comfortable. I've come to the conclusion that when I'm married my husband is the one who gets to say what is and isn't appropriate for me to wear, not other peoples husbands (Romans 14:17-19).
Well, it means that when I'm in a situation where I know something I wear is going to cause someone some distress I'm probably going to be conscious of the people around me... To an extent. In my earlier example if I go out to eat with my friends I might get myself a drink because I can handle it and I don't believe it to be wrong (Romans 14: 16). In the same way modesty doesn't mean having to always dress exactly how the people around me dress just to make sure they're comfortable. I've come to the conclusion that when I'm married my husband is the one who gets to say what is and isn't appropriate for me to wear, not other peoples husbands (Romans 14:17-19).
So why is this important to me?
I have friends on many sides of the spectrum, I have friends who wear whatever they want with no regard for anyone else, and I have friends in the "wear baggy clothes from head to toe" category.
The first is wrong because it's not modest at all, there is no humility being shown there at all.
The second is wrong because it's based on a false premise that modesty is about making yourself "unlustable"
I have friends on many sides of the spectrum, I have friends who wear whatever they want with no regard for anyone else, and I have friends in the "wear baggy clothes from head to toe" category.
The first is wrong because it's not modest at all, there is no humility being shown there at all.
The second is wrong because it's based on a false premise that modesty is about making yourself "unlustable"
Modesty is not about being unattractive or hiding the fact that you're a woman. God created the female body (Genesis 2), and for some reason we have been told that it is a shameful thing. Wearing things that show your curves and femininity is not wrong, in fact I'd say scripture encourages it (Esther 2:7)! If I dressed in baggy layers from my wrists to my ankles I would feel terrible about myself. I would feel ugly and gross. DONT GET ME WRONG if that makes you confident and happy and comfortable that's GREAT, but there is no scriptural reason to pin that on other women (Romans 3:20-24 + any other verse about legalism).
Why does this ultra-conservative view of modesty offend guys?
Think of it this way. I go out to dinner with my friend who doesn't drink because they think it's wrong. I order a drink and let them know it's perfectly OK for them not to, but even though they think it's wrong they order one too (Romans 14:14). They end up doing something stupid/sinful. Is their sin my fault? Of course not, they have their own sense of right and wrong, their own conscience, their own self-control.
Basically what I'm saying is that guys are capable of keeping themselves from lusting (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7). The idea that we as women have to do everything in our power to keep them from lusting is insane. We don't let people blame us for their other sins, so why do we take the blame for this one? If a girl is walking around completely naked it is still the guys responsibility to not lust after her. Yes, she is probably sinning by being naked in public, but that is her sin, the lust is completely his. This idea of modesty basically insinuates that guys are animals with no control over their instincts unless girls control it for them. Guys, that should be insulting!
Think of it this way. I go out to dinner with my friend who doesn't drink because they think it's wrong. I order a drink and let them know it's perfectly OK for them not to, but even though they think it's wrong they order one too (Romans 14:14). They end up doing something stupid/sinful. Is their sin my fault? Of course not, they have their own sense of right and wrong, their own conscience, their own self-control.
Basically what I'm saying is that guys are capable of keeping themselves from lusting (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7). The idea that we as women have to do everything in our power to keep them from lusting is insane. We don't let people blame us for their other sins, so why do we take the blame for this one? If a girl is walking around completely naked it is still the guys responsibility to not lust after her. Yes, she is probably sinning by being naked in public, but that is her sin, the lust is completely his. This idea of modesty basically insinuates that guys are animals with no control over their instincts unless girls control it for them. Guys, that should be insulting!
Just one last analogy because this is getting way too long.
Let's say I have a friend who struggles with stealing things. Am I going to flaunt my money in front of them? No, of course not. But am I going to pretend like I don't have any money? Pretend I live under a bridge with nothing but the clothes on my back so they won't be tempted to steal from me? Insanity
Let's say I have a friend who struggles with stealing things. Am I going to flaunt my money in front of them? No, of course not. But am I going to pretend like I don't have any money? Pretend I live under a bridge with nothing but the clothes on my back so they won't be tempted to steal from me? Insanity
In the same way I'm not going to wear low cut shirts and too short shorts and flaunt my sexuality. But I'm also not going to hide under bulky clothes and pretend it don't have any sexuality so that hopefully men won't be tempted to lust after me.
I'm sorry this has been such a long post, but it's something I've been thinking about for a long time, I hope it makes you think about your perceptions of modesty.
Here's a link to a blog post I read a while ago from a guys perspective:
http://hannahschaefer.com/2015/02/08/not-a-dick-a-mans-perspective-on-modesty/
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